I had to make peace with the memory of everyone who had abandoned me,starting with my birthmother who i always dreamt was pretty and kind like Marilyn Monroe. I secretly watched youtubes of Marilyn and I was comforted by her sweet voice and innocent nature. My mother left me in the hospital 3 days after i was born and I swear i can remember holding onto her thumb. I had to allow myself to become angry with her. I guess its typical to idolize the parent who is not around to cushion the pain of abandonment.

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Goodnite Lorianna,sleep tight. The first thing I did was throw away this hideously spooky ” homeless “doll given to me as a child. I actually felt a kinship to this doll so I couldnt possibly just toss it. I had to say goodbye to her,wrap her in a babyblanket,then a towel,then a table cloth. I felt immediately claustrophobic and unwrapped her and held her in my arms. I was drenched in sweat and in tears. I had to remind myself that the doll is not real,it is not me.

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Im here to say that I was able to find my way back from the darkness, although I sometimes stumbled and even crawled. I discovered techniques based on trial and error that enabled me to heal my inner child. I told little Lorianna that although I appreciated everything she has done for me, I would take it from here. I told her to go to her room, I envisioned my childhood bedroom from the floral bedspread to the ivory snow baby pictures on the wall. I told the little girl version of me to hop into bed and I tucked her in. I told her the story of Little Red Riding Hood, kissed her on the forehead and left on the nightlight.

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The infamous Robin Williams Genie post ” you are free now” created a firestorm of controversy. People who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones. I suppose its safer to condemn. Under honest self examination one might even be forced to reckon with the simmering suicide methodology engaged in by virtue of being human.

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Fond memories of Mr.Williams and his accomplishments created a temporary sense of unity. Amazing how someone we did not know on a personal level can become engrained in our hearts and lives. So many wonderful family moments spent enjoying his brilliance…..(my facebook post).

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We feather our nests with key experiences to prevent the nails on the chalk board effect cognitive dissonce brings. Ironically,it is that very feeling that is a signpost leading us out of the broken record maze of thoughts to the openended thoughts encouraging growth and healing. One night in the midst of arguing with God,I decided to meditate. In my meditative state I traveled to a place where God did not exist. I refer to this place as Circleville.

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I had always been very childlike and odd. I came to the realization that I was operating with the emotional maturity of a little girl. I had to find a way to heal the brokenness in her so I could allow the woman in me to develop and thrive. The little girl in me was so tired and angry and desperate to be loved. I stumbled upon a solution one day while talking to myself in the mirror.

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I was lacking a sufficient support system. Grasping onto the frazzled end of my emotional rope and feeling unbearably overewhelmed and drained. I was out of hope. This was either the end or the beginning. I had two options. I could surrender to the suicidal echoings or freefall into a life altering transformation.

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At one point during my awakening process,i was attempting to tame my ego. It is my belief that the ego grows disproportionately large in those with inner child issues. The process of disassembling such a powerful force is by no means a linear task. At one point I recognized my distorted thought process as the product of an unhealthy belief system. This is where the ego acts as a detriment ,rather than the humanizer it is intended to be. I have always said ,we do not have the ability to truly see ourselves. Our lives are illuminated by the light supporting our belief system.

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****The loss of Robin Williams created waves of grief and controversy. I recall the heartsinking moment I heard the news. First,I envisioned that colorfully genuine and mischevious smile. Secondly,I thought of his grieving children and family. I could only imagine how deeply distraught he must have been to leave them behind.My Facebook newsfeed was flooded with posts and pictures of the late actor.

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