Monthly Archives: January 2015

I had major trust issues. so,why would I trust God? I was so hurt,so angry. I purged all of my anger onto God. When I saw he was still there waiting; I was willing to get to know him. I was able to build a rapport with God. Thats the difference between praying and talking to God. Talk to him and he will respond. There is no middle man, no church is needed. I eventually started to trust him and allow him to take a portion of my pain. As time went on,and yes it took time; I was able to trust God completely. I was able to say ” mold me, guide me, let me do your will.”

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One of the toughest parts of my awakening was the loss of friends. I watched people leave my life one by one and was increasingly depressed, though I knew I was blossoming. I eventually realized that as an unhealthy, unaware human being I attracted those who played their role. The loss of friends paled in comparison to the realization that I had lost my ability to be close with my daughters. The only time in my whole life I truly felt unconditionally loved was raising my girls. They were my world and now I had to let them go. I had to continue down this winding road and allow God to bring me the solutions to a better, stronger relationship with them. I was tortured with thoughts that I had lost them forever, that I had lost their love. I would have done anything to know they still loved me; anything but be distracted from my path.

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I listened to a lot of the teachings of Abraham hicks. I had attracted all of my heartbreaking circumstances thru my thoughts and feelings. This realization brought a much needed sense of empowerment. I was not a victim of circumstance,nor was I cursed. I was simply a flawed human being in need of healing and a chance for a new start. The power to create my new life was within me and I anticipated a bright future although my heart was still skeptical. Logically I had a chance to turn things around. Hope was no longer just a word.

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I was the worlds worst meditator.I hated it. I hated the classic pose. I found it impossible to still my racing thoughts. Despite the awkwardness of my meditative experiences, I pushed thru. Guided meditations on youtube became a godsend. I could listen to them while lying down before bed or upon waking. In the end,meditation turned out to be an amazing tool in my development.

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I started talking to God, not praying…talking. I found that I could connect with God on a very personal and casual level. What a,sharp contrast to my Catholic upbringing! I was taught to fear God as a punisher. I was often reminded” God will punish you” when I misbehaved or made an error in judgement. I was taught to approach God in a formal way, on my knees at the bedside, hands folded, head bowed. I decided that if I was going to talk to God,Id do it my way. Before I knew it, I found myself hangin out with ” G” on a regular basis. When you remove the barriers to God in whatever form you find solace in,you open a whole new world. I finally had someone to stand by me.

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Feeling a disconnect from society,friends and family, I struggled to stand on solid ground. I believe the suicidal mindset facilitates the feeling you are all alone in the world. I could be surrounded by people and feel absolutely alone. Whatever is imprinted in the subconscious mind acts as a tuning fork. All circumstances and people supporting the beliefs held in the subconscience are presented to you. I was able to rewire my brain and imprint my subconscience with an alternate plan.

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I posted the link to my website on facebook which was not easy for me. I hesitated to allow anyone to know what I had gone thru. I finally decided what the Hell. Whats the worst that could happen. I decided my message is more important than the possibility of judgement or fear. I have yet to hear a single comment or a like in regards to my site. I now have absolutely no doubt that this subject is relevant and necessary and will push forward with the completion of my book on the subject of suicide and spiritual awakening.

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I had to make peace with the memory of everyone who had abandoned me,starting with my birthmother who i always dreamt was pretty and kind like Marilyn Monroe. I secretly watched youtubes of Marilyn and I was comforted by her sweet voice and innocent nature. My mother left me in the hospital 3 days after i was born and I swear i can remember holding onto her thumb. I had to allow myself to become angry with her. I guess its typical to idolize the parent who is not around to cushion the pain of abandonment.

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Goodnite Lorianna,sleep tight. The first thing I did was throw away this hideously spooky ” homeless “doll given to me as a child. I actually felt a kinship to this doll so I couldnt possibly just toss it. I had to say goodbye to her,wrap her in a babyblanket,then a towel,then a table cloth. I felt immediately claustrophobic and unwrapped her and held her in my arms. I was drenched in sweat and in tears. I had to remind myself that the doll is not real,it is not me.

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Im here to say that I was able to find my way back from the darkness, although I sometimes stumbled and even crawled. I discovered techniques based on trial and error that enabled me to heal my inner child. I told little Lorianna that although I appreciated everything she has done for me, I would take it from here. I told her to go to her room, I envisioned my childhood bedroom from the floral bedspread to the ivory snow baby pictures on the wall. I told the little girl version of me to hop into bed and I tucked her in. I told her the story of Little Red Riding Hood, kissed her on the forehead and left on the nightlight.

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