This is my attempt to support and possibly entertain those of you in the process of questioning your validity as a human being facing suicide and/or a spiritual awakening.. I truly believe we all have the capacity to endure great challenges and struggles throughout our lives. I also believe that each of us with varying degrees of tolerance may quite possibly find ourselves at a crossroads. My crossroad arrival occurred in January of 2013 like a flickering neon sign. I found myself completely underwater, drowning in an endless sea of anguish and fear.

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I would be passively deceptive in neglecting to acknowledge the impact of my two great loves. Yes, I loved them both. I loved them on completely unique levels. No matter that one was with the capacity of a sick and desperate little girl. Love is still love no matter how inadequate or unhealthy. Some might argue that point. Its all relative. We all love as we are able. There is only one perfect love. I loved the second overlapping love; first as a dear friend I trusted and admired. Then with the tenacity of a spirit grasping onto the edge of a cliff by its last finger. One which taunted my distorted inner child into a state of frenzy the other which held out his hand and helped me see the beauty within myself. The former love was my greatest adversary, presenting me with a deep and inquenchable desire. Symbiotically presenting me with all the roadblocks and brickwalls necessary to reflect the areas most lost and alone within. The latter love provided all of the unconditional love and acceptance I never had. I was swept away by the safety and security of being loved for all that I was and could be. Even the darkest parts of me were welcomed and embraced until they dissolved by his sheer will and the unrelenting gift of hope. In the end, they both took advantage of my innocent nature. In the end I lost them both. I am deeply saddened by the fact that they turned out to be merely stepping stones. The pain of this reality is rehearsed in my dreams, I can not escape it. I can only hope that someday I will meet the culminatination of them in one man. As Spiritual as Ive become when this,day comes, I can not foresee doing anything more noble than slapping this prince silly. Look, I said I am a work in progress. Back to the ole drawing board, oh well.

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if you dare, train yourself to look for the lesson in everything. This practice helps you bond with the Universe and Ultimately God. As you make it a habit to realize that everything is a delicate stream of synchronicity you in turn learn to let go. Letting go is an art form. Letting go does not imply a lack of interest or of caring. Letting go allows you to make room to receive all that there is. We miss out out on so many subtleties of life when we hang on too tightly. As you learn to detach expectation from the outcome of your interactions and relationships you are extending the deepest form of respect. Anything you do for someone is not truly altruistic when you expect reciprocation. At first this glance this may seem foolhardy and unfair. However, as you grow and heal, letting go is a beautiful extension of your spirit. You begin to realize that freedom is unconditional love. Love takes many forms. Listening, really listening. Encouraging instead of judging. A smile when you feel like crying because you know the person who insulted you is clueless. Forgiveness is love. Love of yourself because grudges only hurt the one carrying them. Love is also thinking about the bigger picture and the effect you have on others. Bottom line: Love is a responsibility. Detachment on my path is an ongoing process. I try to remember that anything that is not love based, is of the ego. Although the ego is a necessary part of the human experience it is by no means a trustworthy compass, for the ego has tunnel vision. The spirit is limitless, with the capacity to see beyond all that is earthly. I am spirit led. I learned to make friends with my ego but I am now the navigator.

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A dear friend of mine, Edward, recently started his spiritual journey reminded me about the trial of cleansing. As you choose to become spiritual, you do not immediately find solace. Nor is the path linear or smooth. When I started to do the things that were nurturing to my soul, such as meditation, a clean diet, making better life choices and discontinuing unheathy relationships. The unresolved, festering issues of my past bubbled up and oozed from my psyche and sometimes even my pores. All that had been stuffed down for the majority of my life began to surface. Id like to tell you I was always wise or strong enough to embraced the chaos and the pain. I was not. I sometimes blamed God, questioned everything and hated myself on a deeper level than I ever thought possible. The spiritual path is beyond challenging but if you are brave enough to allow God to be your safety net as you walk the highwire thru the heartache; You will decipher a method of sifting thru all of the poison and clutter. You will become free. Free from all the emotionally suffocating baggage. Free from the triggers than take you back to the painful encounters that keep you stuck in an endless loop of illogical thoughts. You will achieve inner peace and authenticity. Hold fast even when you curse the path, trust God, and keep an eye on your path even when you need a break from the work. Yes, it will be work. The reward awaiting you on the other side of the toxicity of your past is a natural joy and love of life and of all who coexist. The Freedom that loving yourself brings is infinite and beautiful beyond measure or description

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I had major trust issues. so,why would I trust God? I was so hurt,so angry. I purged all of my anger onto God. When I saw he was still there waiting; I was willing to get to know him. I was able to build a rapport with God. Thats the difference between praying and talking to God. Talk to him and he will respond. There is no middle man, no church is needed. I eventually started to trust him and allow him to take a portion of my pain. As time went on,and yes it took time; I was able to trust God completely. I was able to say ” mold me, guide me, let me do your will.”

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One of the toughest parts of my awakening was the loss of friends. I watched people leave my life one by one and was increasingly depressed, though I knew I was blossoming. I eventually realized that as an unhealthy, unaware human being I attracted those who played their role. The loss of friends paled in comparison to the realization that I had lost my ability to be close with my daughters. The only time in my whole life I truly felt unconditionally loved was raising my girls. They were my world and now I had to let them go. I had to continue down this winding road and allow God to bring me the solutions to a better, stronger relationship with them. I was tortured with thoughts that I had lost them forever, that I had lost their love. I would have done anything to know they still loved me; anything but be distracted from my path.

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I listened to a lot of the teachings of Abraham hicks. I had attracted all of my heartbreaking circumstances thru my thoughts and feelings. This realization brought a much needed sense of empowerment. I was not a victim of circumstance,nor was I cursed. I was simply a flawed human being in need of healing and a chance for a new start. The power to create my new life was within me and I anticipated a bright future although my heart was still skeptical. Logically I had a chance to turn things around. Hope was no longer just a word.

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I was the worlds worst meditator.I hated it. I hated the classic pose. I found it impossible to still my racing thoughts. Despite the awkwardness of my meditative experiences, I pushed thru. Guided meditations on youtube became a godsend. I could listen to them while lying down before bed or upon waking. In the end,meditation turned out to be an amazing tool in my development.

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I started talking to God, not praying…talking. I found that I could connect with God on a very personal and casual level. What a,sharp contrast to my Catholic upbringing! I was taught to fear God as a punisher. I was often reminded” God will punish you” when I misbehaved or made an error in judgement. I was taught to approach God in a formal way, on my knees at the bedside, hands folded, head bowed. I decided that if I was going to talk to God,Id do it my way. Before I knew it, I found myself hangin out with ” G” on a regular basis. When you remove the barriers to God in whatever form you find solace in,you open a whole new world. I finally had someone to stand by me.

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Feeling a disconnect from society,friends and family, I struggled to stand on solid ground. I believe the suicidal mindset facilitates the feeling you are all alone in the world. I could be surrounded by people and feel absolutely alone. Whatever is imprinted in the subconscious mind acts as a tuning fork. All circumstances and people supporting the beliefs held in the subconscience are presented to you. I was able to rewire my brain and imprint my subconscience with an alternate plan.

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I posted the link to my website on facebook which was not easy for me. I hesitated to allow anyone to know what I had gone thru. I finally decided what the Hell. Whats the worst that could happen. I decided my message is more important than the possibility of judgement or fear. I have yet to hear a single comment or a like in regards to my site. I now have absolutely no doubt that this subject is relevant and necessary and will push forward with the completion of my book on the subject of suicide and spiritual awakening.

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